Instead of letting all the words that are building up with volcanic force in my brain spew out, I clam up. It's like I'm physically unable to release what I need to say.
I think those around me believe I don't care. Am unfeeling. Am turning a blind eye. I'm not.
Being like this makes things spin out of control more, makes me feel more useless, more of a hindrance. A gurgling pool of inadequacy, worry.
I wish I was able to be the person who had all the answers. Who knew the right thing to say. Who could solve and smooth problems. I yearn to be someone who knows the right thing to do and say. I wish I wasn't such a scaredy cat. I wish I wasn't the wrong person for the job.
Does anyone have a jackhammer to break open the concrete in my mouth?
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Last Thursday, I was at the chemist with my kids when Lil-lil spotted a bottle of hair-styling product. It's from her favourite TV ad where the woman uses the product and turns into a rock star.
Lil-lil told me very solemnly: "I'm buying you this for Christmas, Mum. Just so you can become a rock star. You should be a rock star."
I love the thought behind it. If it were only that easy, kiddo.
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On Saturday, I went to the Australian Bloggers Conference, it was great to meet lots of my fave bloggers, learn a little more and just be in a room of like-minded souls. One of the highlights for me was to hear the gorgeous and rock star-like Eden from Edenland. She read out this post. I don't know how she does it, she's brilliant. Make sure you go and have a read.
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Yesterday, I had to take Goosey to the doctor. After ringing every medical centre in a 10km radius to find one that didn't have a 2 hour wait, we sat and we waited. Finally Goose's name was called. I stood up and took Goose off my lap. I smelt something. I couldn't believe it. She'd pooed all over me. My toilet-trained, never-had-an-accident daughter pooed on me. She was crappy. I stank. The doctor was standing there staring at both of us. Good times.
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Just when I think I'm cruising in a certain direction, life seems to have a habit of jolting me to the exact opposite direction. Yet again, I'm feeling disoriented and unsure. Bobbing around, trying to catch my breath and catch up with the tide.
Posts
I feel like that at times myself especially in twitter & blogger land,
ReplyDeleteI find a few of my followers chat to me nearly every time I'm online & others just ignore me like I'm not there at all.
Even on blogs I find if I comment on some ones blog they dont comment on mine.
Yes I do understand everyone gets busy & things so easily slip through but sometimes if we let something slip through we may have missed the chance to expereince something that may bring us countless memories.
(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX
Bloody life, it does like to jolt us, doesn't it! I was thinking today (and maybe it's just the rain, rain, rain) that things seem a little off kilter. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel unsettled.
ReplyDeleteI hope things are already looking up for you, Corinne. x
Hello spunky.
ReplyDeleteLil-Lil is definitely right. You need that bottle of hair product. You are a rock star. Even when you don't feel it xox
I agree with Eden, you are a rock star, even if you don't feel like one. None of us ever feel like rock stars. The people who do are probably narcissists!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to spending the day with you on Monday. xx