Crisis of confidence averted

This year has been hard yakka. I feel like a little mouse on a wheel running, running, running and getting nowhere. We put soooo much effort into selling our house and, yet, we are still here. We tried to go on a holiday to chill out and it turned into a debacle. Everything has felt like a challenge, nothing has felt easy and it kinda feels like I've achieved nothing, despite running my bum off. It's frustrating.

I wanted to spend time doing stuff for me and having fun and seeing more of my friends, as once little one arrives this will be difficult for a little while at least. It hasn't really happened.

This pregnancy has been hard. I've felt old, tired and fairly lacklustre.

This blog, my little spot, my happy place. It hasn't felt so happy lately. I haven't been enjoying it as much. It's felt lonely. Usually it's the one thing that I can do to make myself feel tip top and it hasn't been happening. The past few weeks I've even considered taking a break or shutting down completely.

I have fairly crap self- esteem. I've always felt like everyone else does everything better. And those feelings have exploded the past month or so. I think it's cause despite my best efforts to move forward, I've felt like I'm just standing on the spot. I've felt like I've been surrounded by deaf ears.

This week, I've had a cold and felt pretty crappy. It's been a big week with a lot on, and to tell you the truth I have just wanted it over with. I zoned out on autopilot just to get through. It's funny though, this week has surprised me, just when I'd given up on being surprised.

Firstly, the Pulp concert was fantastic. It really made me feel lighter. It brought back memories which in turn reminded me of how far I'd come. Most of all it was a lot of fun. And sometimes in life you just need fun.

Then yesterday we had our hearing with that airline. And we won! It felt like, yes, we weren't being unreasonable. Sometimes, the little guy can win. If you yell loud enough for long enough you will be heard.

Then I happened to snap the picture at the top of Goosey as she lifted my shirt to say "Hello" to her little brother. And my heart melted. I thought maybe I'm not standing as still as I thought.

My plan today was to write a "Farewell, see you whenever" post, as I didn't think I had the motivation to keep going. But you know what? I think I may stick around and keep bashing away.