When D was born, there was no post delivery cuddles, no cot next to the bed, no feeds. He was whisked off and I got to see a photo. It was quite a surreal experience.
When I did see him, I had to get permission to touch him through a hole in his cot,
I felt like he hadn't been born, more like the end of the pregnancy had been outsourced as my body couldn't finish the job.
I received a stream of congratulations messages and people saying they couldn't wait to meet him. I couldn't wait to meet him either.
As I got better and got to spend more time in the nursery, it still didn't feel quite real. The nurses were kind and encouraged me to care for him, but in the end they decided the way things went. Goosey said to me each time she visited: "He thinks you're his big sister and the nurses are his mum." While that cut a little, it only did so cause I had thought the same thing.
I used to sit in the nursery and look at him and wonder what impact this whole experience would have on him. Being ripped out of the womb before he was ready, he was angry and red those first few days, not wanting to be out in the world. He gradually settled into life and I wondered how the lights and noises and poking and prodding would affect him or shape him. I recently read his discharge letter which detailed all that had been done to him - intubation, feed line, IV drip, etc. While I knew all of it, seeing it together in black and white made me sad. So much for such a tiny being.
At home, I've fed him, changed him and cuddled him. I've looked at him and thought of the strange start we've had together. Disjointed. Surreal.
Yesterday, his big sisters were desperately trying to touch him and cuddle him and just love him and be a part of him. Their noise and attention was too much and he screamed his little lungs out. I rescued him from their over-enthusiastic clutches and he snuggled his head into my chest and quietened immediately. Like he knew this was where he was safe. Like he knew I was his mum.
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Beautiful. Thank you
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, this makes me cry. Must be a wonderful feeling to finally connect. xo
ReplyDeleteGlad you've found each other xx
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautifully written & i know i was super lucky to have my 4 all delivered onto my chest (well actually my first born twin was handed to my husband, i was still busy) & how precious it was to have them from the first breath, with me, forever more. It is not lost on me, i don't take it for granted, especially twins, to have uncomplicated twin delivery, breech & everything, straight onto the breast (twin 2 was so hungry) it was magic. Then i got to leap up & run back to the room to start my new life with each of them - i can not tell you amazingly easy it is when you start off each new baby's life on the right foot, without set backs. Wishing you well & as a mother who had a boy after 3 girls, who all wanted to eat him up they were so ready to be mini mums . . . he'll start to really enjoy it, don't you worry about that. Mind you, he'll never get a word in. Love Posie
ReplyDeleteI truly believed he knew alongyou were his mum. He has heard your voice for many months. He was probably feeling the same way. Waiting for you to get him. Feeling comfort when he heard you. Now you are together where you always were meant to be!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how lovely that must feel, to be his Mummy, in every sense and to know that he really does need you! Wonderful!
ReplyDeleteWhat a roller coaster for you both.
ReplyDeleteDon't for a minute think that D didn't know his Mum. They're smarter than that, these tiny ones. Smart, resilient and brave.
Enjoy every snuggle.
:-)
I'm really glad that you feel he knows you as his Mum. As a few people said above, he did know that were his Mum, despite circumstances keeping you apart in the beginning. Enjoy this new closeness you have now.
ReplyDeleteI have no words...just watery eyes.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing moment for the both of you.
xoxo
Oh Corinne, little tears of happiness in my eyes right now. Such a beautifully written post. And what an ordeal for the both of you and you have conveyed those feelings so well here. It must have been so harrowing. I'm glad you two can be as one now xoxo
ReplyDeleteThat is such a beautiful moment for you two!
ReplyDeleteHe always knew you were his Mum and this is why be snuggled into you for protection now. In NICU He Knew you were his Mum too. You spoke to him and touched him differently then a nurse or doctor and I believe they definatly do know who their parents are. As the mum of a premmie i learnt to bond In different ways and it taught me more about life them anything ive every done. I am 5 years post my experience but over time I've come to
ReplyDeleteaccept Airlie's arrival and embrace it. I had the same feelings as you, feeling sad that my child has experienced this, why me and confused by what had just happened to her and later when i thought about it, me too?
Airlie is now 5 and has no ongoing medical issues and is a bright happy girl. She has been tested in a follow up program since birth and is in the top 70/80% of children in her age group (non corrected Age group) she walked at 14mths (11cotrected) and although tiny has grown scoring to her own line on the graphs.
I've chosen to look at our experience as an unexpected early arrival filled with beautiful and amazing people. This maybe a painful experience but I feel like it turned me into a better person and my whole family is more aware of appreciating pregnancy and babies now too.
Take care Fiona & Airlie xx
Oh Corinne. You have been through so much. I am in awe of you and your strength. Baby steps, my friend. J x
ReplyDeleteThose last lines gave me goosebumps. Yes, he knows you are his Mummy (and a great one for sure, just ask his big sisters!). You will both be eternally bonded through such a traumatic start to your mutual lives. Only sunshine for you guys from here on in I hope xx
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