This week is all about survival. In a few different ways.
Yesterday, I strutted off to the hospital yet again (well, it was more dragging my arse but we'll pretend I was strutting). I got the good park out the front, a nurse offered to watch the kids while I wee'd in a cup (instead of juggling them in the bathroom while carrying my file which is the size of a volume of the encyclopedia Britannica like I normally do) and I got called in to see the doctor just moments after sitting in the waiting room. After 11 weeks of hospital visits and taking tons of medication, it was finally decided that I was OK enough to stop meds and stop visiting the hospital. This whole preeclampsia thing can be put behind me! Hoorah.
I was super happy as the meds were starting to have some odd and annoying side effects - swollen ankles, hot, burning knees. Also, visiting the hospital was a drag, especially when everyone else there is pregnant and there I was with an almost 3 month old! It was a bit of a surprise as things were taking so long to calm down I was worried that they wouldn't, the doctor speculated that I could be on medication long-term too, so to be rid of it is fab. Though, it's only a trial at the moment, so my BP better behave itself. In any case, I'm declaring that I've survived preeclampsia and I'm closing that whole chapter!
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Goose is still sick. Nights have been fairly hellish as she's been moaning and crying through the night, feeling rotten. Sleep is being got in small snatches. I'm just surviving at the moment. Between looking after her and a newborn all night, I'm tired. At the moment, I'm just managing the basics like keeping us fed and clothed and clean (sort of), there is nothing else being achieved. Skip is being a good help and doing what he can, which I'm very thankful for.
There was a time though where nights like these were standard. The girls being awful sleepers meant that waking all night was my reality. It sucked. I must have been an awful person during those times. Just a shell of a person, really.
D is a fairly good sleeper at night, waking twice to feed and going straight back to sleep. Even so, I'm still at that newborn stage where you just survive. Tied to feeds, less available, baby-focused. Feeling isolated. Feeling like the world is moving on without you. Lucky he's a gorgeous boy! I don't resent it, he's only a baby for a short time.
The part I hate is just surviving. It frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be more. I want to be a better mother to the girls - more engaged, more available, less snappy. I want to be a better wife - more available, less tired, more present. I want to be a better friend. I want to be better to myself. I have all these things in my head that I want to do that never get done.
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At the moment, I keep doing stupid things. Including:
A few weeks ago, I crashed our car. So stupid and expensive and time consuming - it puts pressure on our family, at a time of year with Christmas and holidays approaching, that you just don't need it. I'm so, so annoyed and angry at myself for that.
Losing shoes. I've had three pairs of shoes mysteriously disappear in the last couple of months. I'm no Imelda Marcos either. I really, really wish I could find them.
Being surrounding by chaos. No matter how hard I try, I'm losing the war with chaos. Each day, there is crap all around me. I tidy, I organise. Then the next day it's back.
Losing patience. I'm usually a very patient person and at the moment, it's gone. My patience is nowhere to be found.
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Got all that out now, so it's time to get back to the crying baby and moaning kids, all while dreaming about a long cool drink somewhere nice.
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Oh sweet pea, I wish I could reach through this screen and hug you. But, as you say, you've closed one other and are moving onto the next. Let's hope it's brighter, with better health, good sleep and time to just be xxx
ReplyDelete"There is nothing else being achieved."
ReplyDeleteHON - the irony is, the work that you are doing right now is up there with the hardest work in the world. And it's so undervalued and not recognised - by society, by people, by ourselves.
I take my hat off to you. Newbornland is a tricky, difficult time. Fraught with dangers and meltdowns on every turn. It's like, you're a warrior woman! You are!
Love to you. Yay on the all-clear from pre-enclampsia. Is it like, post-enclampsia now?
XXOO
What they said! There is moving forward in all of what you write...hang in there Mama and go easy on yourself. I am so NOT ready to go again. Not yet. Thanks for the reminder x
ReplyDeleteGlad you are off the meds!
ReplyDeleteBummer about the car, was everyone ok? Hope so.
Those first few newby months are the toughest!!! I went through it recently when Ted was a newby but now we are out of the woods and moving into the fun stuff like eating solids, crawling, teething and mess!!
2012 is just around the corner. A new year, new beginnings. Hang in there.
xx
The fact you recognise all the stuff you aren't doing or want to do is half the battle won, now take it easy and stop stressing about it, that "stuff" can all wait until you're out of this space and in a different one. Don't be hard on yourself, be nice to yourself, look at yourself in the mirror and think "Aren't I incredible?" Because you are!
ReplyDeleteThere's no shame in survival.
ReplyDeleteIt's instinct at it's finest.
You've done this before, you know you'll emerge.
In the meantime, survive + add a little something for you. The rest can and will wait.
Wish I could come corrupt/care for your kids for you a little.
Damn that car crash business. Damn it. Can't be undone though.
xx
Corinne, I think you're amazing. I really do. Your posts ALWAYS resonate with me, which I love. First of all, well done with coming off the meds, that is a fabulous achievement!
ReplyDeleteThe way you describe your nights, your feelings about being a Mama, wife, friend... it's all so real and completely raw and I KNOW exactly how you feel. I have these same thoughts, even now... and I don't have a newborn to care for. Some days it just feels like you're going through the motions, treading water, not really making any ground. Even harder to achieve anything substantial when one of the kidlets is unwell too.
And you know I crashed my car when I was heavily pregnant with Felix... only into a pylon in the carpark, but still, it did serious damage to the driver's side door, which was just fabulous trying to get in and out of a dodgy door with a huge belly. I beat myself up about that for weeks and was so angry, at the expense and inconvenience of it.
Before you know it, you'll have your rhythm back. Hold tight Corinne, you're doing great :o) xo
You need to be easier on yourself love!
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine juggling 3 little ones, keeping house and bellies full. I get pissed off that I spend a day cleaning and the next morning I'm cleaning all over again.
Besides, we're women, we are emotional, occasionally crazy, full of limitless love and energy and the best goddamn nurturers out there!
So what if you get a little cranky?
We all do!!!!
xoxo